Ummm, isn’t the question “what is reality”? No, not in this post. This post is a guide to seeing things as they are, because for some reason, reality tends to elude us when it hides in plain sight.
Things are defined by what they do and what they do not do.
Fire is hot (because it burns) and will not buy you groceries (because this is something it doesn’t d0). We comprehend this fairly easily because we haven’t attached to it any symbolism or context that would make us question these facts. However, this is not the case in human dynamics, where we pile on as much symbolism and proxies as we can.
Your boss loves you and tells you all the time how valuable you are (what they do). That makes you feel good, and motivates you to do more work after-hours and sacrifice your personal time. However, when it comes time to give bonuses and promotions, you get shafted. Your boss didn’t go to bat for you (what they didn’t do). So while your boss’ words attempt to shape your reality, reality can actually be found in the outcome of that annual review. The most likely reality is that you do great things for your boss but these things are not being recognized by the company as outstanding or to your credit. Hence reality is present, as it always is, and it’s incumbent on you to accept the one that reflects your outcomes rather than the one that stokes your ego or manipulates you into a false reality that you want to be true.
In a personal relationship, your partner loves garlic-flavoured coffee (feel free to substitute anything in here, like watching football, gambling, flirting with others) and their breath is nauseating. You have spoken and they’ve assured you that they would kick this habit because you’ve been so clear about how profoundly disturbing this is to you and your relationship. Yet they don’t (what they do). Maybe they cut back a bit, maybe they drink it more discreetly or try to brush their mouths a lot afterwards. But the outcome is still occurring and it’s repulsing you all the same (what they don’t do). So where is reality to be found? It is found in the fact that your partner knows they are repulsive to you in a fixable way and are choosing not to remedy that. Once again, reality is hidden in plain sight. You would probably rather not acknowledge that your partner is prioritizing this habit over you and your relationship, but this is reality irrespective of any half-assed attempts or words to the contrary, especially if you’ve given them time and warnings over a while.
The next question I often get it, “how to I face a reality that is painful?” The answer is ‘authentically and with all your sensibility’. Accept that person’s choice and react or respond as is appropriate given reality. If you’re playing second fiddle to a habit or indulgence, and your partner refuses to address it, accept it and do what makes most sense.
