As a vast oversimplification, great relationships are formed from internal forces that cause strong attraction to someone (the soul’s contribution), a clear understanding of the relationship’s achievability (the brain’s contribution), and feelings of fulfillment and Beshert (the heart’s contribution). WIth these things present, relationships should be perfect, no? Unfortunately not. Because relationships can be sabotaged with unwelcome additions (your ego’s contribution).
As aforementioned, we create adaptations from which we need to unadapt to avoid bringing this baggage into our lives, and most often into our relationships. From our past experiences we harbour fears that turn into jealousy and attack. We harbour disgust that manifests as disinterest and avoidant attachment. We carry loss and abandonment that presents as neediness and inquisition. We were made to feel powerless and exploited and now respond with rage and accusations. These adaptations can and often do result in distorted cognition, which is commonly paired with other behavioural issues that impair and sabotage otherwise beautiful connections.
Relationships are comprised of two dots (people) connected by a line. When things are imperfect we presume there are relationship issues that need to be fixed. Very often the issue is one of the dots. The expression of a personal issue creates a relationship problem, but the relationship is not what needs to be fixed. Apparently it only takes 1 to tango.
If the universe has smiled on you and gifted you a connection that moves your soul, mind, and heart, and yet something is wrong in action, dig deep into that psyche of yours and deconstruct those protective and offensive mechanisms you’ve erected. They helped you cope in the past and really do try to help protect you from future pain in life, but like all barriers, as much as they protect you from bad things they also prevent good things from coming in and from you going out. All walls are prisons.
We all must accept vulnerability and know that a life lived includes pain. Pain is mandatory so accept it. But what is worse than a breakup or loss is never to have pursued what mattered and what the universe brought for you. Like the expression goes, ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ Accepting this means that you dismantle your barriers, remove your sabotaging thoughts and behaviours, and simply go with the flow. When a negative thought emerges, and you want to protect yourself, the ‘no dictator‘ shuts it down, otherwise your baggage will impair and likely end what is sent to you for your complete, organic engagement.
What got you here won’t get you to where you want to go. Relationship lessons from the past are only useful in the same relational dynamics just like hatred for WW2 Nazis is not useful to Germans in your country today. Let go of the past and everything it taught you to do as it’s the only way to bask in the beauty of relational love.
