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The Pursuit of Happiness

In the United States Declaration of Independence, some inalienable rights are established to be: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

What is so very interesting about Thomas Jefferson’s phrasing is that he didn’t write, “happiness”, he wrote, “the pursuit of happiness”. It is a right to chase happiness, and whether you find happiness is up to you because some people are happier to be reclusive and some are happier to live in nudist colonies.

So we (Americans and otherwise) set out to be find things to make us happy. We like coffee a lot. Sex isn’t bad. A sunrise through a mountain vista can be nice. Oh, and eggs benny at my favourite brunch place with my pals! Oh, and when I get off the plane after being away for weeks and my family is there at the airport to get me and smiling so big.

As we’ve explored in other posts, we are fairly clueless about what makes us happy. We can’t even really define what happiness is. Fleeting sensual stimuli that come from eating, touching or seeing often just distract us from all the other unpleasant crap we do with our lives. Are we happy on vacation or just sufficiently removed from the humdrum? Are we happy at family reunions or just lucky we have people to connect with easily? Are we happy with money in the bank or just relieved from financial pressure? Is happiness what exists when the loneliness, stress or boredom cease?

I don’t think happiness is a concept worth exploring because it is one of the many words in the language that has been beaten excessively by the ambiguity stick and is also far too subjective a concept. So rather than talk about happiness, let’s talk about a life well lived.

We have looked at the purpose of life and determined that our job is to simply be our most selfiest selves. And part of our self edification is to engage our souls in activities that allow us to blur the boundaries between us and our environments (the flow concept) because this facilitates a form of activity that doesn’t just flood our brains with endorphins, it engages us in unparalleled ways. Moreover, this does not take the form of pursuit. Rather, we obey. We are impelled by internal, palpable forces beyond our control to move toward these activities because the core of our being is attracted to it like a magnet that draws us in. So the secret all along is not that happiness needs to be pursued, but rather that a life of soulful contentment needs to be followed.

A more profound and important dimension of happiness is that notion that we need to feel good to be happy. We need to smile through tough times, avoid negativity, bring brightness and humour to all situations. The primary issue with this approach is that it’s judgemental. Light is better than dark. Vibrant flowers are better than plants. Laughter is better than tears. Judgement misperceives and miscategorizes in an attempt to protect us from feeling fear, doubt, loss or suffering. Nothing is better than its complement. And like the yin and yang concept, nothing can exist without its complement. We can perceive it as such, but we do ourselves a disservice when we judge light as better than dark we same way we perceive youth as better than age. Neither is better, but some sides of a symbiotic pairing do make life easier or more comfortable, like youth makes strenuous activity easier and flowers smell more fragrant than plants.

Meaningful learning and growth do not come from comfort and ease. Learning that getting served mai tais in the sun is nice is not exactly a eureka moment.. In fact, we know that the strongest swords are forged in the hottest fire, and whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. When we start learning a new language or taking our first steps, it’s really daunting and difficult. We fail and fall and experience pain and discomfort. When we have our first romantic relationships we also fail and fall and experience loss. When we acquire professional skills we fail and fall and experience hardship and embarrassment. And by the time we’ve gotten through it we have greater competence and ability in brand new ways impossible to gain unless we are willing to struggle, fail and fall.

A life well lived is a big life. It’s a life that explores your greatest potential and experiences the most variable experiences, which also happen to be the most memorable. Life fundamentally includes pain and loss and failure. And the prize is growth and learning and richness. So do not pursue happiness. Follow your internal forces into challenges, and in doing so, live your biggest life possible.

Purpose

Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth differentiated between your inner purpose and outer purpose, which is a useful way to stratify the concept of purpose:

“Your inner purpose is to awaken. It is as simple as that. You share that purpose with every other person on the planet – because it is the purpose of humanity.”

“Awakened doing is the alignment of your outer purpose – what you do – with your inner purpose – awakening and staying awake. Through awakened doing, you become one with the outgoing purpose of the universe. Consciousness flows through you into this world. It flows into your thoughts and inspires them. It flows into what you do and guides and empowers it.”

To simplify Tolle’s sentiments further, our inner purpose is to be and our outer purpose is to do, where being is ‘consciousness’ and doing is ‘whatever the universe had planned for you’. So figure out if you’re a jackrabbit, and if you are, start hopping and chomping carrots.

With respect to inner purpose, “awakening” may seem mysterious. Regardless, one needs to arrive at the true self, whether it a chunk of the universal intelligence or an individual soul or set of preferences. We are born as our true selves but quickly learn how to ‘behave’ which, interestly, derives from the Old English word behabban, which was defined as self restraint. Our learned behaviour in tandem with our acquired sense of self (ego) tend to obfuscate and suppress our true selves, and even our awareness of or distress in this suppression. The good news is that the soul speaks to us often, whether it’s craving a pickle or compelling you to quit your job and start blogging, it can help to illuminate the true self.

With respect to outer purpose, being who we are, apparently, is a very challenging undertaking for most of us. We act only after having considered the likely outcomes of various behavioural approaches. We consider how to manipulate the situation to arrive at the outcome we want, and then put that plan into action. I want someone to like me so I feign interest in their story. I want to avoid potential conflict so I lower my head on the subway when the mentally ill guy starts ranting. I want to avoid negative impressions of me so I lie about my spoon collection.

Living authentically means being who you are at all times irrespective of the predictable outcome. Why? Because the manipulated outcome doesn’t belong to you. Your outcome is the one you would receive being yourself. Really think about this. If you are innately a miserable person, should you be miserable outwardly and have everyone react to you in this way? It’s unpleasant, but it’s your authentic life. Same for recipients who would encounter miserable people. In the absence of judgement, misery is just another thing that exists and should be addressed authentically and not through thoughtful manipulation and life contortion.

People believe they should be happy all the time, as in ‘the pursuit of happiness’. This will be addressed in a different post, but the general sentiment is that happiness is not a worthwhile pursuit, nor is comfort or ease. There is only one path and it’s to be exactly who you are, at all times, untainted by the ego, irrespective of the predictable outcome you may encounter, because that is your authentic life. “Be yourself, because everybody else is taken”.

So we can rewrite our inner and outer purpose as follows and add a temporal dimension since we live life moment to moment:

Your inner purpose is to ensure that you, the soul, are the being present in your moment.

Your outer purpose is to unwaveringly be the being you are in all moments irrespective of circumstance or predicted outcome.

Unadaptation

We are pretty fearful creatures. Drs. Kahneman and Tversky won a Nobel prize for pointing out that we are hardwired to risk aversion and make innate and predictable thinking errors when facing risk of loss. Because of this, and our immense capabilities, we have put lots of stock in trying to control things so we can alleviate our fears.

Part of the fear mentality is to overestimate the control we have. In decision science this takes many forms, such as the expectation or confirmation bias (we focus only on evidence that supports our expected findings) and what is appropriately called the illusion of control. When evaluating undesirable outcomes, we fall prey to illusory correlation, which creates an erroneous correlation between variables, and very sadly we start doing this from a young age.

The basis of psychology is to understand and undo the adaptations that we have made to circumstances to which we have been exposed. Abused children try to rationalize ways to avoid abuse and in doing so draw faulty correlations about what they can control in an attempt to avoid suffering. Like, “if I am extra kind and friendly I get beaten less”. So the child adapts to be kind and friendly in challenging circumstances, and that adaptation sticks despite being false. The child had no control and created a faulty but believable correlation that is now permanently a part of their personality. Other adaptations could be a general lack of trust, withdrawal, and other things that attempt to lessen or avoid mitigate potentially hostile situations. And what’s worse is that these adaptations are applied to circumstances with similar characteristics despite being different.

This thinking is not limited to our childhood or to extreme situations. You’ve heard about the baseball player who refuses to change their “lucky socks” for an entire season or the gambler who must rub their “lucky rabbit’s foot” with each pull of the slot machine arm. It’s not so dissimilar to a stock market analyst calling a ‘bottom’ during a natural disaster or a prophet predicting the end of the world. We sometimes call them superstitions and laugh about them, but these adaptations based on faulty or incomplete information are deeply ingrained in who we are because they represent an underlying correlation believed to be true.

Some correlations are true, and this is why it’s so confusing for us. Wearing sunscreen will prevent sunburns. A sensible diet will make you healthier. But some (many) correlations do not equal causation since there is something called a lurking variable that may reside between cause and effect, often with a dozen of its cousins. Women wearing skirts does correlate to more shark attacks. What? So are sharks rowdier due to skirts? Of course not. Women wear more skirts when the weather is nice (lurking variable 1) and when the weather is nice more people go into the ocean (lurking variable 2). More opportunities for shark bites come from more people in the water. But a controlling mind would wear fewer skirts in the hopes that it would prevent shark bites. This same cognitive approach causes people to erect walls in relationships, be ‘nice’ all the time, swallow feelings, communicate less, correct things in others that you think are errors you’ve seen before, etc.

So unfortunately, with our risk aversion and our belief we can understand and influence all causes, we become a series of beliefs and adaptations that modify the people we were born to be and hence where we can find contentment from simply being. It reverberates through all of our relationships, careers and life choices. Be safe, avoid pain, and use the knowledge built to understand what gives you pain. Sadly, we are mistaken and we throw the baby with the bathwater.

Our overarching purpose is tautological: to be who we are. If we adapt away from who we are then we are failing to fulfill our purpose. Therefore, it is an obligation to the human experience to unadapt. To discard everything learned in our personalities. To be exactly who we are irrespective of the circumstances. And definitely not to fall victim to our own faulty correlations that lead not only to personal adaptations but to prejudice, stereotypes, bigotry and isolation.

Signs of Life

We have some really neat apparatus that allows us to experience pleasure from music, sex and cocaine. It also appreciates kitesurfing, spicy food and warm hugs in the same way. These bodies are remarkable! Feeling pleasure and the avoidance of pain are highly motivational for us. Shocker!

We think that life is supposed to feel good all the time and that discomfort is the enemy. This will be discussed in a separate post. So we construct bucket lists of things to edify our pleasure-seeking selves who are content to consume things. We want to eat at Michelin starred restaurants in New York, pick cherry blossoms in Japan, fish for a trophy marlin in Florida, and basically consume experiences with our senses.

A very insightful psychologist named Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi wrote an illuminating book called Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, in which he described ‘flow experiences’. Oversimplified, flow is a state of absorption within an activity in which engagement is so high that the boundaries between the self and the environment disappear. This immersion includes loss of time, hunger, thirst and other bodily needs. Common sources of flow include gardening, knitting, jogging, playing sports, painting, playing music and cleaning. Commonality? Production, not consumption. And, more profoundly, leaping over our sensory pleasures to more soulful engagement, which offers the greatest pleasure we can experience. Yes there is some sensory stimulus, which makes things confusing (i.e. gardening wouldn’t be gardening if your hands weren’t in dirt), but the sensory experience is not what is prominently felt. Dr. Csikszentmihalyi found out ways to engage our soul.

Specifically to counteract the ‘bucket list’ phenomenon, so that we can experience the joys that transcend hedonistic, consumptive pursuits, the following list of things are intended to share signs of life or ways you know you’ve engaged your soul and are living and not just existing in your ego and societal norms. Your additions and comments are quite welcome.

You have soothed yourself by listening to another’s heartbeat through their chest
Your voice has gone hoarse from singing loudly to a song you really love
Your clothes were damaged because you fell down trying something you will certainly try again
Your hair is messy from an intense and spontaneous make out session that you initiated
You are unapologetically drenched from being outside unprotected in the rain
You have really taken the time to cook love into a meal and hoped that they tasted it
Your couch pillows got all messed up from a friendly yet necessary wrestling match
You drop your notebook computer by accident when moving quickly attend to someone who matters
You’ve been unwaveringly invincible
Your fingers became pruny because you soaked in a tub way too long consumed in deep relaxation and contentment
Your friends wanted to go to brunch and instead you invited them over to your place, and you all had a far better experience this way
Your arms got sore from shovelling someone random’s driveway
You’ve been sweaty and antsy with excited energy for something long awaited
You have carried out a practical joke on a close friend and shared a laugh that only close friends can share
You’ve offered condolences that were truly heartfelt and were clearly received by the heart of the recipient
Your stomach and your face both hurt from laughter that emanated from your soul
Your phone battery got low because you’ve googled every species you saw on your hike
You got altitude sickness and overcome it so you could be high up among the clouds
You refer to your friends and family by the nicknames they’ve earned and not their given names
You have been lulled and fallen asleep peacefully to the sound of waves
You’ve rolled down all car windows when driving to feel the wind and be kissed by the sun
You’ve carried a child long past the point when your arms were exhausted and you knew there was absolutely no risk you’d let go
You have woken ridiculously early to be among the first stirring and chirpy creatures in the morning
You have broken out into a spontaneous snowball fight and made yourself breathless in play
You’ve yodelled your ass off into a mountain range and projected your voice where only snowcaps lay
You’ve lain under a very bright night sky and thought about how 15 billion years of universal explosions, expansion and cosmic laws and forces got you exactly to this moment
You have marvelled at your own living cells under a microscope
Every one of your plants has a name, and you speak it softly to them when providing your care
You know the difference between a hug and an embrace and you know when the time is right for each
You’ve pillow talked for hours about absolutely nothing just because you didn’t want a moment to end
You have danced like nobody was watching and became one with the music
You have meticulously planted seeds and were inexplicably moved and humbled when the first sprouts emerged from the soil
Your furry companion and you fell asleep together cuddling in warmth and affection, and awoke at exactly the same time
You have baked something that smelled so intoxicating it drew everyone in the house to the same place at the same time
Your muscles have been wonderfully sore from the type of physical exertion that made you feel alive
You’ve needed to really scrub your feet after walking around barefoot in places you usually wouldn’t
You’ve needed to warm up after spending far too long outside enjoying yourself on a very cold night
People you cherish know exactly how you feel about them through your actions
You’ve cleaned up some pretty crazy things from some loving scuffles
You’ve made a baby laugh aloud
Your arm has fallen asleep from spooning someone you refused to disturb by moving it
You have a story for every stain and tear on your favourite shirt
When travelling, you’ve made someone smile trying out some words in their language
Somebody somewhere has had their life completely changed by you
You’ve cried while writing something as the words brought the feelings to life
Someone has vomited on you and you continued caring for them nonetheless
You have soared through the sky and felt as free as a bird
Something has made you smile so big it felt like every one of your teeth was showing
You have taught someone to move their bodies to music so they can enjoy a lifetime of dance
You’ve nursed someone back to health from illness
You’ve almost gone airborne in a wild wind storm
Somebody shushed you when you got overly animated telling a story
You’ve still got big dreams for your future
You’ve had a conversation that went into the wee hours without even realizing
You’ve felt the pangs of hunger
You’ve gotten lost somewhere serendipitously because you didn’t over-plan it
Unprovoked, a child thanked you for something you did that moved them
You’ve made mistakes, but you’ve learned from them
You’ve playfully chased a creature that was asking for it
You have written or shared poetry that touched your heart for someone to enjoy
You’ve searched for yourself everywhere and eventually found yourself when you stopped looking
You’ve considered the statistical impossibility of being right here, right now
You’ve had to clean sand out of several of your body crevices after a memorable day at the beach
For a moment you’ve eliminated all other distractions and focused solely on your breathing and life energy
In a moment, you’ve thought about the rules and decided that they didn’t apply to you
You’ve received artwork from a child and instantly felt it deeper than anything you’ve seen in a museum
You’ve experienced great loss and have felt deep pain
You’ve completed things on your to-do list because you put in the discipline and worked hard for it
You’ve done something to absolute and utter exhaustion
You’ve fought hard for something that really mattered to you, even when you thought you’d lose
For a reason you can’t explain, you have taken the time to relieve a total stranger from pain and suffering
You can name a whole bunch of spices just by scent
You “know” all the lyrics to a song in a language you don’t speak
When approaching a big life moment you have completely drenched a shirt in your sweat
You have had moments so engaging that you had no awareness of your self
You have fondled every type of produce at a farmer’s market because each demanded to be touched
You’ve stared into the Milky Way and wondered about what’s staring back
You know exactly why you have your wrinkles
You’ve harvested a crop using only your body
You have competed in something you really wanted to win
You have competed in something totally silly
You know what is meant by ‘butterflies in your stomach’
You believe in something you are willing to die for
You’ve seen something so amazing you put down your camera to ensure your naked eye took it all in
You have nurtured something’s beauty to emerge
You can name a whole bunch of flowers blindfolded
You made a child’s birthday party more memorable by engaging all the kiddos in play
You’ve sobbed loudly in real life like most people do in theatres
You’ve made someone feel truly welcome and deeply understand the term hospitality
You have a “chosen family” that you cherish and honour
You have shown tenderness to something vulnerable
You’ve manoeuvred it such that a goodbye peck turned into a deep passionate kiss
You have given something freedom
Despite arriving at your destination, you waited until the song ended before you exited the car
You have used self talk to build strength when feeling weak
Someone has called you “coach” or thought of you as a mentor or guide
You have shown mercy to give something another chance
You were fully and completely present in a moment and saw something more deeply than you’ve ever seen it before
When given an opportunity, you’ve let your artistic creativity emerge irrespective of your talent
You’ve given a 30-second hug
You’ve listened with full attention to someone who needed to be heard
Despite your contrary instinct, you’ve let someone struggle intentionally for the purpose of growth
You’ve felt inexplicably compelled to do something as though forced by an invisible magnet
You’ve gazed at another species and were completely stunned by its majesty
You’ve spoiled someone for no reason at all simply because you love them
You’ve felt your batteries recharge from empty from the positive energy around you
You’ve lain on your back and played the game that identifies things in the clouds
You profoundly appreciate baby talk
You have soothed an upset creature to calmness without words
You have rolled down a grassy hill with reckless abandon
You’ve started or joined an impromptu dance party in someone’s home
You’ve allowed compassion to overtake other impulses
You have missed someone deeply, even when you’ve seen them earlier the same day
You have run alongside someone learning to ride a bike and let them go solo
You have loved and lost
You have made a deep and painful sacrifice for someone who didn’t know anything about it
You have been totally moved by a song that really resonated with you
You know the difference between a trip and an adventure
You’ve tried hard at something and failed in a way that shocked you
You’ve had earth beneath all of your fingernails
You’ve experienced the infinity that exists in every moment
You’ve proven to yourself definitively that you’ve got free will
You’ve heard the wind speak to you
Your heart has skipped a beat
You’ve halted a premature hug pull-away to make that hug last
You have laughed so hard that no sound came out and tears rolled down your cheeks
You’ve orchestrated a momentous surprise to make someone feel special and loved
You’ve been absolutely mesmerized by fire under pitch black skies
You’ve felt nourished by the rays of the sun
You’ve stood so high that you felt powerful
You’ve stood so low that you felt tiny
Something has made you drop all defences and poise and just melt
You’ve pushed or carried something with all your might
You’ve played piggyback games
You’ve got a scar that you recall with pride
You’ve been entranced by creatures frolicking with each other
You’ve felt utterly and completely alone in the universe
You’ve transferred the nagging song in your head to someone else
You can list 6 or more types of love
You have climbed a tree and felt how much happier it was to have company
There was a moment when you truly thought you might perish
You have really held someone
You’ve fed a creature with your bare hands
You have felt jealous and petty
You’ve taken the scenic route just to feed your mind and senses something different
You’ve marvelled at your own footprints
You’ve felt a sadness so deep you thought it would never end
You’ve had your morals challenged, and you’ve responded meaningfully
You’ve felt someone else’s pain as deeply as they felt it
You have radiated goodness into the universe
Your palms have been calloused and rough from making someone’s environment more enjoyable for them

The Scorpion and the Turtle

The world’s oceans are swelling and water levels are rising fast. They have now reached the roofs of houses with no stoppage in sight. A single scorpion sits perilously atop a roof as the water moves dangerously higher. She spots a turtle splish-splashing along, happy as a…turtle in a flood. Seeing an opportunity, the scorpion calls out, “Hey turtle, please come here”. The turtle meanders up with no sense of hurry, “Hi scorpion”, she calls out.

The scorpion is in distress and can barely conceal her dread. “Turtle, please take me on your back and swim us to a safer place. If I stay here I’ll surely die. Will you rescue me?”

The turtle ponders momentarily, “You are scorpion, and scorpions sting everything. If you sting me I’ll die.”

The scorpion hurriedly replies, “Turtle, if I’m sitting on your back while swimming and I sting you we would both die. I’m already pleading for my life so I certainly wouldn’t kill us while swimming”.

Convinced of the logic the turtle replies, “Ok scorpion, hop on and I’ll take you to a higher place so you can have a happy, dry life.”

The scorpion quickly scampers on the turtle’s shell and the turtle splashes away. The turtle starts whistling a tune and the scorpion is starts to relax as the roof disappears behind them. Suddenly, the turtle feels a sharp pain. It starts feeling drowsy and realizes it had just been stung.

“Why did you sting me turtle, we will both surely die now?” The scorpion replies, “Because I’m a scorpion”.

There are many morals to this simple Persian fable:

Recognize things for what they are, not for what you want them to be.
Scorpions can sting, and even the sight of the stinger makes others around it act differently
Scorpions need to be scorpions, no matter the circumstances or risks
When considered holistically, many outcomes are highly predictable
Being what you are is not subject to judgement. Scorpions aren’t ‘bad’ and turtles aren’t ‘good’. This is as absurd as saying that darkness is bad is light is good. Things just are, and your awareness of that helps to make good decisions
Rationality does not always drive behaviour, in fact it seldom does with humans
Finally, if you expect something to act outside of its nature, only you are the fool

Representation in Relationships

There is a funny little concept called the Gentlemen’s Queue. Three very well mannered chaps arrive at a door, and the first opens the door like a proper gentleman and says, “after you”. Not to be outclassed, gent #2, turns to gent #3 and says, “oh no, after you”. Gent #3 is of exquisite etiquette and turns to gent #1 and nods, “after you my dear sir”. These very proper gentlemen continue their most civilized exchange ad infinitum, or at least until they die of starvation. Great intentions, great approach but the execution fell short.

What we can deduce from our chivalrous loop is that sometimes by representing the needs of others we arrive at an undesirable outcome, despite our best intentions. This phenomenon is seen repeatedly in decision science and organizational psychology. The eminent John Nash was among the pioneers of game theory, which effectively demonstrates that two actors will arrive at the worst possible outcome in most situations. Or the concept of groupthink, which has been firmly established in organizations to bring groups to the one outcome that nobody wanted.

We can’t alter human nature, but we can leverage these concepts in our personal relationships. A dominant theme in couple’s counselling is that one party (Bob) feels taken for granted by another party (Ling) who oddly never gets what she wants. How could this be? This is because without provocation, Bob decides to represent Ling in the relationship. And Ling doesn’t want this. Ling wants Bob to be present and express his wants. So to prevent this lopsided representation of Ling’s desires, Ling is forced to take more drastic action, like representing Bob. What?

Let’s say Bob really likes Italian. Ling knows this. Ling really likes sushi. Bob knows this. What should they do? A wise partnership would have both parties express what they want, understanding that chivalry will result in an undesirable outcome. But instead Bob, who fancies himself a great partner, immediately suggests sushi. And Ling accepts because she wants to please Bob’s apparent craving. But tonight she wanted Mexican and tonight Bob actually wanted Greek. They were both too courteous to represent themselves, and both ended up having meals they didn’t want and have landed themselves in therapy for chronic dissatisfaction of each other assumedly because this same approach extends to excursions, purchases and all the other things in relationships that benefit from robust and accurate representation. Yet they were both being giving and well-intentioned!

Somehow having cravings or preferences is self-regarded as selfish and so we’ve taught ourselves not to express them. Curious. We have somehow coupled the notion that if we express our preferences we are bad partners. First, expression is not a decision. Decisions belong to the partnership, expression is individual. Second, information is empowerment and it is our duty in a relationship to express ourselves. Third, true partners bring themselves to a relationship otherwise it is not a partnership. No relationship needs 2 Lings or 2 Bobs. It needs the two people who decided that they liked each other for who they were at that time and so the relationship will not benefit if there’s unequal representation.

It’s a little radical, but Ling could consider saying, “I want you to be happy and tonight I’m craving Mexican”. And Bob could respond, “I want you to be happy and tonight I’m craving Greek”. Then they can each go out with their friends instead of being together. Kidding! Then one party can compromise for that evening or they can find something else that works for both of them, or stay home and cook. This way they are both present, heard and authentic in a balanced relationship and not queued at the door courteously on their way to therapy.

This same dynamic exists in all relationships. There is a great book called The Responsibility Virus where, as the name implies, we learn that the more responsibility someone takes on in the workplace, the less responsibility others take. They wait for that person to request things, dictate things, etc. and rather than contribute proactively they become reactive and expectant despite having full ability. This extends to parent/child relationships too. A profoundly insightful parenting book called Drop the Worry Ball similarly outlines how parents have subsumed worry from the lives of their children who then never live with it, resulting in a generation without many skills needed to navigate their own lives. These children rather worry about other things where they feel empowered. So parents are still feeding and cleaning up after older children, and their children are personally disempowered but worrying about things outside this dynamic like the environment and human rights.

Friendships have similar learned dynamics too. If friend A seems upset, friend B wants immediately to know ‘what’s wrong’. Friend B describes his feelings and friend A tries to move friend B back to feeling comfortable by ‘solving’ the issue. This is typical of ‘good friends’, yes? Like we learned about happiness, sitting in discomfort is a fundamental part of the human experience as it facilitates learning, experiment and growth. If someone is upset because their room is messy should you be a good friend/parent/spouse and clean their room? That may make them feel less discomfort, but what has happened? Let’s explore.

Mr Messy Room now has not learned about himself. There was some great self-awareness that could have emerged that could have been extrapolated to better understand environmental preferences, but that awareness is lost. Mr Messy could have sat in the room until he was compelled by his own internal forces to make a change. He would have discovered one of the most precious lessons – the internal forces. He could have learned how to clean his room and to what level of cleanliness he enjoys. Now he settles for whatever standard is achieved by someone else. He could have learned how being upset feels and how this scales to the cleanliness of the room. So many more lessons, and this vital portion of growth was cleaved by a ‘good person’ because they wanted to relieve some upset. A huge lost opportunity that disempowers and create expectations and dependence.

What should a good friend/parent/spouse rather do when they detect someone is upset? Bring them to awareness and then stop. Share an observation that does not end in a question mark. “You seem down today.” “I detect a difference in your behaviour today.” Sharing awareness (and only awareness) is perhaps the greatest gift in a relationship because it helps someone see beyond their limited perspective or feelings, and can subsequently trigger a soulful or free-willed response from that person. Trying to solve something impedes free will and wrecks the awareness and growth gifts that would otherwise result.

So we conclude by mixing two popular metaphors: you can bring a horse to water but cannot make it drink, and, it’s better to teach a man to fish rather than give him a fish. A ‘good friend/parent/spouse’ can bring a horse to water and show him the fish, and then say sayonara.