Category: Motivation

How to Live

Often folks will differentiate between existing and living, where the former essentially completes what’s in your calendar, and the latter follows something more meaningful. To able to pursue a meaningful life, I’ve created the image you see – here’s the lowdown.

  1. The ancient Greeks instructed us to “know thyself.” Polonius in Shakespeare’s Hamlet instructed “to thine own self be true.” Does this mean that we know we like to be comfy and thus ought to head to Lululemon to buy some sweats? Not quite. We are born untainted and untaught, and without the norms and values we acquire or the adaptations we make to pain and hurt. I have argued that our soul speaks to us as one of the many voices in our consciousness, and it attempts to steer us to the actions that are authentic to our being. We ignore it because we are taught to listen more seriously to what our peers expect from us and our parents impose on us, to name a couple. After all, we’ve got to pay the bills and save money to retire.

I have also argued that like every other thing in the multiverse we are subject to forces. Like magnetism, we are naturally drawn to and repulsed by things in ways that are beyond our control. I am drawn to pickles, mustard, and other vinegary things. I am repulsed by people dressing up animals. I didn’t learn these things, they’ve always been a part of me. Yes it is very likely that my vinegar attraction is related to my form and it’s needed to thin my blood, but either way , it’s not learned. It’s not based on fear or greed, which is what compels a great deal of human action today. Knowing thyself comes from separating what is natural to us as ourselves, versus what is learned or adapted. Doing this exercise requires brutal honesty because it’ll jettison most belief systems in a finger snap and create massive cognitive dissonance as a result.

Once you know who you are, and are a being of your forces and the universe’s will, your job is to be that. In fact your job or purpose is to be that as best you can be. If you’re a miserable crank because you were born that way, be that. Don’t try to be kind and upbeat because you are denying your being its role in the universal plan, and that will feel awful and phony. The ‘thinking-doing gap’ describes the gap between what people think and what they do. Like if they want to lose weight yet eat chocolate cake, that’s the gap. Being true to thine self means having the courage to be who you are despite the predictable reaction you’ll receive from your peers, parents, or society. Cyndi Lauper wants to see your true colours and you should too.

2. The next step in living is to decide how to act. Inside of you are many voices, often contradictory, to assist you to be seen in the best light while getting the best outcome. Colloquially you’ve got your heart, head, ego, soul, little devil (id), peer norms, societal norms, community norms, etc., all blabbing at you at various volumes, many of which are very convincing. You are the captain of your ship, able to hear all these voices and determine how you’re going to run your ship. You are able to set sail on a certain course and intention an outcome that takes everything into account and plots a course. Sometimes this destination is illogical, and that’s quite okay, as long as it’s…..true to you. As long as you’re representing yourself. Your job is to be you without fail, this step is about picking the way that’s most you, and let’s face it, you’re ridiculous.

3. Step 3 is taking action. I have many times stressed the importance of exercising your will in action, and how too much of life exists only in our heads. I have spoken about the couch of comfort, and that it takes decisive energetic mobilization to get off that couch. Action demonstrates your intentions in the strongest possible way by being unambiguous and in conflict with other wills.

I have also mentioned that regarding action, production continues to be a far more satisfying action than consumption. It is often a flow activity, and where we find the greatest bliss. Consumption is like eating. It feels good at the time but the experience and its consequent emotions are fleeting. Production (and flow) remove the barrier between us and our environment, and remove the notions of time and self, to provide an experience immersive and harmonious.

4. The final step is experience, which is both real-time and retrospective. This provides you with the feedback of what it’s like to be you in your environment, triangulated by whatever bystanders and judges wish to share as feedback. This is where you get to truly understand what it’s like to be you. That’s not to say that a bunch egotistical judges are a great experience, but you’re here on earth and this is what you’re in store for.

Experiences that don’t jive with our desires tend to motivate change. Don’t change. You can tweak the next time you think about your actions, but only to be more authentically who you are. The universe imbued you with your soul, and your soul is formed from the same matter that forms stars and planets. They’re all doing their job in fulfilling the will of the universe; do you think you’re better than a star? Perhaps you are because unlike a star, you can actually decide to be something different. Don’t.

Shrouded Priorities

Carl Jung, one of the pioneers of modern psychology, famously said, “you are what you do, not what you say you’ll do”.

It is seemingly easy to distinguish between thought and action. Or is it? Is a gift of jewellery a thought or an action? Giving a gift is indeed an action, but the gift itself, precious metals and gems, is often intended to express something by proxy like, “I worked for many hours to buy you this gift”, or, “I know you like to look sparkly so I hunted for something special and sparkly for you”. These kinds of embedded symbolism make actions more or less understood and appreciated by the recipient and by others who may have various interpretations on the symbolism contained within. The book The Five Love Languages does a good job outlining interpretative differences of this kind. What I find lacking in this book is a sixth love language called ‘intentions’. Our minds are busy all the time and thinking nice thoughts about a person and intending good things for them does indeed seem to be a way some people express love. I think Carl Jung would agree.

Why this matters is that in any relationship, a person often thinks they are contributing beneficially when there is nothing tangible offered or received. Nice thoughts, as nice as they may be, do not translate into a feeling of love. Abstaining from diddling the secretary does not translate into a feeling of love. Absurd as it may sound to need to clarify, some people need to wake up to the fact that wanting to make someone breakfast in bed will not be received the same as serving breakfast in bed.

Our free will is a glorious gift, and it allows us to choose among tradeoffs which, IMHO, is being. I can be kind if I am charitable and I can be mean if I harm things. Both are choices and by choosing, I am deciding the person I am. The power of this cannot be understated, nor can the fact that we can change our actions like a lightswitch for most things and be something else.

We make choices in a way that illuminates our true priorities. I call them “true priorities” because people often misconnect their actions and their outcomes, and I say “illuminate” because they are apparently not so clear all the time. If I’m trying to lose weight and I pig out on chocolate cake, am I truly trying to lose weight? Some would argue yes they are trying to lose weight but are having a oopsy moment. To that I’d respond that temporary insanity for chocolate cake is almost believable, but still doesn’t account for the motivation to diverge from the stated priority. Same for an alcoholic having a drink. If your goal is to stop drinking, but you celebrate your success with a drink, there is another priority lurking in there.

Let’s take more time to examine the things people do because many of these things seem to fall under the sensibility bar. There are situations where someone can abuse or neglect their partner repeatedly and then claim they are devoted to them. Nope. There are situations where someone can have chosen something in their lives (i.e. serious addiction, retention of unhealthy dynamics, participation in serious crime) and claim they are available for a healthy relationship. Nope. Whether these incompatibilities are misunderstood or misintended, they obviate the possibility of the outcome desired through unilateral action. Devotion to your abused partner is to take decisive and unwavering steps to extinct the abusive behaviour. Availability for partnership is permanently excising the dysfunction or crime they’d otherwise be embroiled in. Choosing to retain the abuse, crime, addiction and/or dysfunction demonstrates the true priority that exists. It is whatever that act is and not what is claimed.

Remember at the end of Breaking Bad where Walter White finally admitted that his drug kingpin aspirations were for him and not for his family, where this was his original intention? Skyler (his wife) came to understand this prior and knew his intentions and consequent choices and knew he was no longer a viable partner once his true priorities were clear.

People fall prey to promises, illusions and hopes and this becomes a contract in relationships without a exercise date. I will (one day) get help for my abuse/addiction/dysfunction. I will (one day) end dysfunctional relationships with my ex, or mother. When you stress me out less I will (one day) stop acting in rage. I will (one day) not prioritize work and show you love in action. The problem with these promises are that they are false and don’t reflect the person’s true priorities in action, they are just words. Their minds may know otherwise or may be tricking them too that these priorities are just temporary when they are reality. Priorities chosen are chosen for a reason and unless the reason goes away organically, the choices will remain. Losing weight to look good in a wedding dress will almost certainly result in weight gain after the wedding because it was linked to that priority. Someone not drinking when you’ve expressed an issue with it will have the drinking behaviours expressed secretively or delayed because it is your priority and not theirs.

If someone chooses to have an unboundaried relationship with their ex, or an unconstrained addiction that puts your future in peril, or brings around an abusive person who you feel ought to be forcefully removed from your property, their intentions and promises are meaningless when their actions are contradictory and consequently put you at risk. Both parties must wise up to what priorities mean in action and not delude themselves with hopes and promises.

For those facing their own priorities:

  1. Spend the time to see reality for what it is. Life is about tradeoffs and what you choose also dictates what you are not choosing.
  2. Acknowledge your true priorities as they are actioned.
  3. Determine if you want to live differently (achieve different outcomes). Do this with honesty.
  4. Take decisive steps to live such that priorities are expressed in action with consistency as they are prioritized.

For those struggling with the priority expressed by others:

  1. Spend the time to see reality for what it is. Life is about tradeoffs and what someone chooses also dictates what they are not choosing.
  2. Acknowledge their true priorities as they are actioned. Accept that these are their true priorities.
  3. Determine if you want to live differently (achieve different outcomes) for yourself. Do this with honesty with no expectation of someone changing.
  4. Take decisive steps to live such that priorities are expressed in action with consistency as they are prioritized.

The Pursuit of Happiness

In the United States Declaration of Independence, some inalienable rights are established to be: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

What is so very interesting about Thomas Jefferson’s phrasing is that he didn’t write, “happiness”, he wrote, “the pursuit of happiness”. It is a right to chase happiness, and whether you find happiness is up to you because some people are happier to be reclusive and some are happier to live in nudist colonies.

So we (Americans and otherwise) set out to be find things to make us happy. We like coffee a lot. Sex isn’t bad. A sunrise through a mountain vista can be nice. Oh, and eggs benny at my favourite brunch place with my pals! Oh, and when I get off the plane after being away for weeks and my family is there at the airport to get me and smiling so big.

As we’ve explored in other posts, we are fairly clueless about what makes us happy. We can’t even really define what happiness is. Fleeting sensual stimuli that come from eating, touching or seeing often just distract us from all the other unpleasant crap we do with our lives. Are we happy on vacation or just sufficiently removed from the humdrum? Are we happy at family reunions or just lucky we have people to connect with easily? Are we happy with money in the bank or just relieved from financial pressure? Is happiness what exists when the loneliness, stress or boredom cease?

I don’t think happiness is a concept worth exploring because it is one of the many words in the language that has been beaten excessively by the ambiguity stick and is also far too subjective a concept. So rather than talk about happiness, let’s talk about a life well lived.

We have looked at the purpose of life and determined that our job is to simply be our most selfiest selves. And part of our self edification is to engage our souls in activities that allow us to blur the boundaries between us and our environments (the flow concept) because this facilitates a form of activity that doesn’t just flood our brains with endorphins, it engages us in unparalleled ways. Moreover, this does not take the form of pursuit. Rather, we obey. We are impelled by internal, palpable forces beyond our control to move toward these activities because the core of our being is attracted to it like a magnet that draws us in. So the secret all along is not that happiness needs to be pursued, but rather that a life of soulful contentment needs to be followed.

A more profound and important dimension of happiness is that notion that we need to feel good to be happy. We need to smile through tough times, avoid negativity, bring brightness and humour to all situations. The primary issue with this approach is that it’s judgemental. Light is better than dark. Vibrant flowers are better than plants. Laughter is better than tears. Judgement misperceives and miscategorizes in an attempt to protect us from feeling fear, doubt, loss or suffering. Nothing is better than its complement. And like the yin and yang concept, nothing can exist without its complement. We can perceive it as such, but we do ourselves a disservice when we judge light as better than dark we same way we perceive youth as better than age. Neither is better, but some sides of a symbiotic pairing do make life easier or more comfortable, like youth makes strenuous activity easier and flowers smell more fragrant than plants.

Meaningful learning and growth do not come from comfort and ease. Learning that getting served mai tais in the sun is nice is not exactly a eureka moment.. In fact, we know that the strongest swords are forged in the hottest fire, and whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. When we start learning a new language or taking our first steps, it’s really daunting and difficult. We fail and fall and experience pain and discomfort. When we have our first romantic relationships we also fail and fall and experience loss. When we acquire professional skills we fail and fall and experience hardship and embarrassment. And by the time we’ve gotten through it we have greater competence and ability in brand new ways impossible to gain unless we are willing to struggle, fail and fall.

A life well lived is a big life. It’s a life that explores your greatest potential and experiences the most variable experiences, which also happen to be the most memorable. Life fundamentally includes pain and loss and failure. And the prize is growth and learning and richness. So do not pursue happiness. Follow your internal forces into challenges, and in doing so, live your biggest life possible.