What Matters

I am troubled daily about the increase in fake living, which is a divergence from what matters and is the reason why we are here. Let’s look at what doesn’t matter…

What doesn’t matter is symbolism, intentions, hopes, wishes, blessings, prayers, social media posts, desire, and anything else that either isn’t real, or worse still, isn’t real but pretends to be real.

How many wars have been fought over religious symbols? How many relationships have been wasted in hope? How many social media posts have changed the world? Proxies for living pervert our experiences because we take them as real, and we take the absence of them as real.

What matters is what is done in action. On earth. Something observable through your senses, and not just your mind. If someone is unavailable for a relationship, they take action to overcome that, and that is real. If someone wants to be with someone but has something that interferes, they prioritize the person and neglects that something, and that is real. If someone wants to build a life with someone, in life they take concrete measures to make that happen. Everything else is pretend. Make-believe. A farce that is an attempt to bamboozle another person by using excuses, stories, mysteries, and sentiment to alter the reality that exists for real.

Take some time and reperceive things for their degree of reality, and see that this is binary. If it’s not clearly real, then it’s clearly fake. Insist on being real and accepting only real things so that your life is not wasted. Trust me, this is important.

How to be Truly Present

Every guru and motivational poster tells you how to be present and the importance of it, which seems pretty sound. What they fail to mention or notice is that you’re already in the present, you’re just not doing a very good job of engaging in your present. This is partially because in any present moment, there are infinite opportunities to engage, yet only one thing that can receive your focus at once. Mindfulness is the practice of intentionally selecting which segment of the present to engage and offer your focus. But this is all very aspirational and frankly academic because what usually impairs your present is the injection of things that are (a) not temporally relevant and/or (b) not real.

The spiritual community seems to embrace the notion that what’s past is gone, and lamenting or regretting events past is a super way to not live in the present. Similarly, noodling on future events today such that they create a response in the present is another way to squander the present. The past is meant to fade away with lessons and memories that carry forward, and the future is meant for living in the future if and when it occurs. Neither of these belong in the present. It’s very easy to worry about paying your bills of next month, being shy at that event in 2 weeks, or how you’ll score on that exam next month, but we mustn’t. We must live in a manner that is sustainable today such that future concerns and outcomes are predictably neutralized.

The meatier topic is really whether something is real. What I mean by “real” is something that is material in an experiential way and is happening or certain to happen imminently. By definition, this eliminates symbology, potential, plans, intentions, hopes, promises, gestures, posturing…until they are actioned. This includes all what-ifs and other ruminations where people are mentally exploring, but what happens in the mind is not real. Reality is what is happening, not what exists on paper, in minds, or in fantasy.

Have you noticed that every time you’re involved in a role, you fuss about the future of that role? Whether you’re an employee, a romantic partner, or a student, you are fussing about ‘what-if this ends’, ‘what if I perform poorly’, ‘what if someone does something wrong’. That’s future-oriented thought, which is a spiritual no-no that impairs your present, but more profoundly, it’s not real. There is nothing about any of these ruminations that warrants thinking time. They are all ego-generated fears that are seeking an audience of your mind with the purpose of feeling better, which you entertain at the expense of your present, despite the fact that you actually have no control over any of these things and therefore would be better served participating in them fully by being present and not a worry-wart.

The same thing applies in all situations. If you are hiking or surfing and fear some danger, your entire experience will be tainted by incessant rumination of a mind concoction that is not real. Risks are indeed real, but not until they are real in action so there is no merit worrying about them because that worry does not mitigate the risk (despite what your scaredy-pants ego wants you to believe). Your head is not where life is lived, it is lived and experienced on earth.

When you find yourself worrying, ask yourself, ‘is this part of my present, and is it real?’ Real things may seem noisy and consuming, but really ask yourself whether it is material in your life at the moment in a real way or whether it is rather coming in the form of a potential, what-if, or symbol that may some day materialize but today is just speculation or noise. When you eliminate what is not real from reality, and focus on the present without that noise, you will find yourself far better able to maintain the stillness of your internal pond.

What is Love Anyways?

Howard Jones musically asked, “What is love anyway? Does anybody love anybody anyway?” Well Howard, I think I’ve got the answer for you.

Love is a very ambiguous term. I love pickles and I love my cat. I love my brother and flowers. I love to travel and I love rich Excel spreadsheets. I love oceans and I love refreshing naps. Clearly these are not all the same things.

One way we can sort out some of this ambiguity is to first understand that love is a noun, verb and adjective.

All of those things above refer to the noun. When I say I love pickles, I am saying that this is a characteristic of me that spans the indefinite and definite. The indefinite means I’m saying I do and will love all pickles, (which isn’t entirely true since I dislike bread & butter pickles, but this doesn’t matter right now), and the definite says that if you place a pickle in front of me, I will love it. Irrespective whether the many or the one, I am referring to a love that exists in my head and hence forms part of my being. So it can safely be said that I love pickles, because I do.

This gives rise to the adjective. Because I love pickles, I am a….pickle lover. Is it a descriptive way to understand my being. I didn’t pick and choose whether I should love pickles, I just do. So if you want to better understand something, think of those things it loves and you can safely use those things as factual descriptors to better understand something without judgment or undue labelling.

The most interesting understanding of love is the verb, because we are what we do (and intentionally don’t do). If somebody loves something you would expect them to act in ways to be loving. Assumedly, love compels us to do things we otherwise would not do. A father crosses a crowded room to kiss his son. An uncle sits in awful traffic to pick up a niece from the airport. A partner overcomes their psychological issues to have a successful relationship in the present. An individual moves to Africa to rescue elephants. A person stops eating animal products to prevent the suffering of animals. An individual goes to undergraduate studies to later pursue medicine. These may all demonstrate the verb version of love, and as is evident, these are the version of love that matters.

I’ve previously written that our souls create both attractive and repulsive internal forces that compel us to action (and our egos try to hijack and sabotage these). These forces may all originate from love, I don’t know. What I do know is that unless we demonstrate love in action, it is of no value to the universe. The noun and the adjective merely fill our minds with labels and states, but only the verb can carry out the will of love, and this is why we have arms, legs, voices, literacy, and all the other tools of love. Love has compelled songs, self improvement, monuments, relocation, and vast accommodation. Love in action has been confused and conflated with symbology and proxies, which is a peril to be avoided.

Quite practically, if you love someone and your baggage prevents you from having a healthy relationship with them, you will put everything you’ve got into overcoming your baggage (and not make up excuses). If you love the environment, you will put everything you’ve got to sustaining its integrity and continuity (and not find exceptions). If you love yourself and find yourself imbalanced in life, you will show love in correcting this (and not tolerate alternatives).

Haddaway shied away from love that “hurt me”, and well, that ain’t love. Love takes bravery and tenaciousness, and an utter intolerance for that love not to be expressed, despite how much it costs. Love is unilateral and has no opposition but the ego, so it should flow as love is intended.

This is not to suggest that love is expressed stupidly. If you love something that refuses your love, (or any love) the only thing that changes is the expression of your love. Parents love their young children and heap upon them versions of affection that change as the child grows and accepts love from others. Love is not inflexible; love adapts to give love in the ways that are achievable unidirectionally. The child goes into the world and receives more of a loving check-in, loving safety net, and loving distance versus the abundant physical affection and loving proximity.

So as we contemplate ‘what is love’, there are many answers however only one matters. Love is what we do to express love in a nonsymbolic way that is tailored to the recipient.

Self Fulfilling Prophecies

Henry Ford famously wrote, “whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” And he was only just scratching the surface. The more apt sentiment is “perception is reality”, however it’s not limited to what one sees, it’s what one expects to see.

The notion of the self fulfilling prophecy (SFP) is analogized nicely in the ‘wood eye’ story. Our prophecies are not limited to our areas of high sensitivity, but span areas of vulnerability, hurt, fear, uncertainty, and anywhere else the ego seeks predictive assurance to lessen exposure to potential pain.

The SFP is a very sophisticated trick. The ego, always protective of our fragility and desire to avoid pain, attempts to figure out a cause for every painful effect we experience. I got cut off by an Asian driver, so Asian drivers are dangerous and avoiding them provides me greater safety. I got my heart broken by a blonde, so blondes are dangerous and avoiding them provides me greater safety. This impoverished form of thinking is obviously illogical, but we all create these stereotypes and hold on to them dearly. Why? Because humans are born fearful. Nobel winners Kahneman and Tversky proved that humans favour fearful thinking over productive thinking, so we’re just wired this way. But that doesn’t mean we need to listen to that silly logic.

The SFP is our prediction of what will happen based on our past experiences and the unconscious bias we have formed. Countless people carry these SFPs into new relationships, as past relationships are sources of hurt and future relationships are sources of vulnerability. So we enter into relationships with that hidden SFP that takes the form of reservation, caution, holding back, or snippy responses to things that didn’t actually happen. It looks at clues and forms of evidence to confirm what we suspected all along – this new person is evil, crazy, probably has a secret life that is intolerable. Okay that’s perhaps a little extreme, but the SFP takes the same approach. You are simply trying to falsify the positive attributes so that you can uncover the truth. Your truth. And then you have once again proven yourself a predictive genius and Sherlock Holmes contemporary.

What’s really happening is that you are not truly interacting with this person. You are interacting with a mental concoction of who this person is, and irrespective of what this person does in real life, your mental interactions, and your detached and suspicious behaviour, will craft the prophecy that you knew all along. And this is why people can give up. Not all _________ (insert group here) are bad. You make them bad by experiencing these things only in your mind, and sabotaging them in real life, and you create the circumstances that lead you to exactly what you predicted. And when seen from the outside, it’s pretty darn foolish to watch.

In another blog I spoke about our need to unadapt, which is to dismantle the psychological negotiations we have brought into existence to avoid pain and achieve more predictably enjoyable outcomes. Here I am saying we need to do the same for our faulty thinking. We need to dismantle all our stereotypes and beliefs so that whatever we encounter in life can be experienced in life and not just in our heads. Doing this exposes us to potential hurt, and our egos flex to avoid this, but the prize is too great to succumb to this fate. The gift of life is to enjoy all that is life; it is not a gift to hide from life and live in our heads.

Reflex, Reaction, Response

In decision science, a properly understood context often makes the ‘decision’ a natural consequence that requires little thought. Contextualizing, therefore, is the activity we conduct poorly. Let’s explore!

I was an avid squash player and one day I hurt my back pretty badly. What was my decision here? There is no decision to be made. If I am functionally incapable of playing, then I cannot play until I am medically cleared to safely play. Some would say I should suck it up or power through it. That would be the ego talking. It is a separate choice to relinquish your captain’s chair to your ego or not.

For clarity, I like to use the 3Rs:

Reflex – As the name implies, something that occurs immediately as a result of the situation. “Rebound” or “reflection” also work nicely and maintain the same alliterative fun, like a billiard ball bouncing off a bank (oooh, that was alliterative fun too). If you place your hand on a hot stove your reflex is to remove it. If a ball is sailing toward your face your reflex is to avoid it or brace for impact. No thought is required, a reflex is what occurs by universal determination automatically.

Reaction – Stems from a cause but unlike a reflex is a learned response. When my kid was young and barfed all over me I would adeptly sop up the puke from my child and ensure he was okay and then attended to the smelly mess on me. No emotion, no revulsion, just mechanical puke attendance. If someone random walks over and barfs on you, by contrast, this is disgusting and you will not be calm. You will totally wig out. In both cases you will react with an understanding (the baby needs to be okay and then I need to restore hygiene or, I may need to right a situation and then I need to restore hygiene). The only difference is your state of mind in an otherwise mechanical set of steps you now must complete given what transpired.

Response – The whole shebang, where something (a decision point) has come to be and you need to consider your best course of action out of several options before it is acted out. Your neighbour is parking partially in your driveway. Your partner wants to get a tattoo. You are contemplating getting a puppy. Here is where you’ve got the most latitude to exercise your free will and not just react automatically to things.

Why does this distinction matter? Many people misattribute decisions to others that are not decisions, they are reactions, or natural consequences of their actions.

“Why did you decide to fire me?” “I didn’t decide to fire you, you punched your fellow employee and cannot remain employed here.”

“Why did you decide not to admit to your ballet school?” “I didn’t decide to reject you, your lack of ballet ability determined this outcome in advance.”

“Why did you decide we can’t be in a relationship?” “When you chose to be abusive you chose to not have a relationship.”

These are reactions, not responses, in my parlance. The outcome was predictable and therefore a decision (response) was not needed nor made, reactions play out natural consequences.

Some folks intervene where reactions should flow. Instead of being in the world to find their way, sometimes parents fund their adult children in lives they have not built. Or in a bad relationship, one party absorbs a lot of unpleasantness to avoid admitting that the relationship should end. These choices distort reality and create unnatural circumstances that carry all sorts of downstream repercussions.

Distortions can take place in both reactions and responses, the latter being not so uncommon, and in fact much of society is structured to influence the decisions of others as commonplace. We cannot possibly cover how to make good decisions, but from a spiritual standpoint, being yourself is always a formula for authenticity, which ain’t too shabby as an outcome.

The Roots of Distress

All distress results from an unwillingness to accept reality.

Once you’ve accepted that your car has a flat tire, you need to redo your work, you’ve got a wrinkle, or that you have an injury that needs immobilization, the distress vanishes. The gap between awareness and acceptance is where the ego self-talks about your suffering, discomfort, frustration and you allow this to become your reality by becoming emotional. It’s as though the ego thinks that if reality is fought, it can be avoided.

The sooner you accept reality, the less you will experience distress.

What Does the Universe Want?

Everything is exactly as it’s meant to be.

What?! People are supposed to suffer? Wars are supposed to be fought? The environment is meant to be destroyed? Well…yes. Until it’s no longer meant to be, and that’s when it changes.

As we described in another blog, pregnancy may seem awful if you only observe month 9. A cocoon may seem like a coffin if your window of observation is similarly narrow. Even a cosmic explosion of epic magnitude may seem unbearably bad, but if you’re around to observe the universe 15 billion years later, it seems not so bad from the human perspective.

The universe has an intelligence that is unfolding in real-time, and we all play a part. Everything that is, is. Everything that isn’t, isn’t. And these states change, as Newton’s laws of motion teach us, when acted upon by an outside force.

So, everything is exactly as it’s meant to be, until it’s no longer meant to be and a force changes what is into something different. And this goes on ad infinitum.

The Universal Language

Spiritualism often touts a soul or spirit that animates otherwise lifeless creatures (our “jiva”). Eckhart Tolle calls it “consciousness”, which he determines is part of a collective consciousness that forms the universal intelligence. And we know it’s there because it can observe the other things in there. This “observer” can hear our egoic self talk and witness ourselves becoming emotional, and even brings its own voice to the party to take master control over our selves. Neat! But so what?

Good question! We’ve been doing just fine until now, right? Our paths are pretty clear. Grow up, go to school, meet someone special, fall in love, go to university, get a job, get married, have kids, retire and die. And within those life events we can horse around, play some sports, watch TV, go to some parties, travel around to exotic places. It’s pretty busy actually and this feels very filling.

So why is the population so chronically unhappy, overworked, stressed out, impoverished, underserved, unhealthy, underwhelmed and generally dissatisfied? Is the explosion in antidepressant meds because the ‘path’ is working? Do we just need our hometown sports teams to win more championships? Or maybe salvation lies in more Kardashian shows and viral memes?

Modern society consists of a dizzy array of distractions that do an excellent job of clogging up our sensory pathways during all waking hours. We are so barraged that if we don’t deliberately remove these stimuli we have little to no ability for independent thought or reflection. It’s gotten so pervasive that when there is a power outage that cripples Internet access, people become genuinely distressed on how to spend their time.

The always-connected phenomenon, I believe, has completely impaired our few remaining moments for thinking, introspection, feeling, daydreaming, planning, spontaneous creativity, discovery, observation and otherwise being in and with ourselves. And mindfulness is far more difficult while we are juggling texts, emails, work, kids, news, friends, events, family. How can we possibly listen to our observer with all this constantly going on?

Many things exist more enduringly than the structures and distractions created in society, and this is what is quite remarkable about the universe as we know it. We have and obey a series of scientific laws that are immutable. These laws make things entirely predictable such that we can build bridges, shoot rockets to the moon and pocket the 8-ball in billiards all without mysterious mishaps.

Mindfulness, even in its most sophisticated form, tends not to be mindful of the laws to which we are governed or even the forces that act upon us directly! Have you ever felt gravity act upon you in meditation? Are you mindful of your potential energy when up high in your condo or office tower? Do you feel the friction of your clothes as you walk around when you don’t have static cling? Have you pondered your kinetic energy when zipping down the highway in your car?

External forces are acting on us 24/7 and we are rarely aware of them and their duty to carry out the awesome will of the universe. Similarly, I believe we have internal forces that act out and we have a much harder time ignoring them because we are the space in which they dutifully impose their will.

Not to be confused with hormonal or neurotransmitter cravings stemming from withdrawal, desire, boredom or psychological stress, internal forces arise and impel us to action in an organic manner. These forces emerge without thought, feelings or other internal apparatus or learned responses. Absolutely we do think and feel about these forces reactively, which we ultimately permit or not based on this deliberation, but the force itself originates proactively from the soul and it is striving to achieve its duty like all other forces in the universe.

Do you put on music when you drive to electrify the experience and make it more a raucous karaoke experience than a drive? During your workout when you put on music does it energize and propel you? Have ever felt so mutually attracted to a person it’s like a powerful magnet is drawing you two together. When you hear a particular voice does it feel palpably that you’re feeling energetic friction? We have actually written up 150 ‘signs of life’. These signs of life are the result of living from soulful forces, which impel us constantly to action in ways that we do not conjure ourselves.

Psychologists have working theories for all forms of human behaviour, from biological to cognitive to motivational. Yet they are utterly confused at certain human behaviours, one of which pertain to good samaritanism. It is biologically, evolutionarily, sociologically and motivationally incomprehensible that we risk our lives to save a total stranger from drowning, but apparently this is something we do consistently. Don’t agree? Imagine your dreams for the rest of your life if you didn’t attempt to save that person.

We can fight gravity with elevators. We can deflect light with mirrors. We can slow boulders in motion. You know the amount of energy this requires, especially when our internal space is the battleground. The language of the universe is codified in law, and while science has not empirically defined all internal forces, it is foolish to think that these powerful and present forces are not as real as their well defined external cousins that push and pull us in every other way.

Being attuned and responsive to the language of the soul offers immeasurable contentment and authenticity, as well as the knowledge that the universal intelligence is being achieved in you, so listen to your internal forces and allow them to perform their duty.

The Scorpion and the Turtle

The world’s oceans are swelling and water levels are rising fast. They have now reached the roofs of houses with no stoppage in sight. A single scorpion sits perilously atop a roof as the water moves dangerously higher. She spots a turtle splish-splashing along, happy as a…turtle in a flood. Seeing an opportunity, the scorpion calls out, “Hey turtle, please come here”. The turtle meanders up with no sense of hurry, “Hi scorpion”, she calls out.

The scorpion is in distress and can barely conceal her dread. “Turtle, please take me on your back and swim us to a safer place. If I stay here I’ll surely die. Will you rescue me?”

The turtle ponders momentarily, “You are scorpion, and scorpions sting everything. If you sting me I’ll die.”

The scorpion hurriedly replies, “Turtle, if I’m sitting on your back while swimming and I sting you we would both die. I’m already pleading for my life so I certainly wouldn’t kill us while swimming”.

Convinced of the logic the turtle replies, “Ok scorpion, hop on and I’ll take you to a higher place so you can have a happy, dry life.”

The scorpion quickly scampers on the turtle’s shell and the turtle splashes away. The turtle starts whistling a tune and the scorpion is starts to relax as the roof disappears behind them. Suddenly, the turtle feels a sharp pain. It starts feeling drowsy and realizes it had just been stung.

“Why did you sting me turtle, we will both surely die now?” The scorpion replies, “Because I’m a scorpion”.

There are many morals to this simple Persian fable:

  • Recognize things for what they are, not for what you want them to be.
  • Scorpions can sting, and even the sight of the stinger makes others around it act differently
  • Scorpions need to be scorpions, no matter the circumstances or risks
  • When considered holistically, many outcomes are highly predictable
  • Being what you are is not subject to judgement. Scorpions aren’t ‘bad’ and turtles aren’t ‘good’. This is as absurd as saying that darkness is bad is light is good. Things just are, and your awareness of that helps to make good decisions
  • Rationality does not always drive behaviour, in fact it seldom does with humans
  • Finally, if you expect something to act outside of its nature, only you are the fool